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The best Game of Thrones episodes must meet the following 5 criteria to be considered great episodes. How do the first two episodes of season 6 measure up? I am the Mel Kiper of TV drama, because I am in no position to be critical, have no idea what I am talking about when I am critical of these shows, and I will NEVERbe in position to be hired by a television company, show, or production team. Still Kiper can translate / narrate the language of the NFL draft to a point where it is mildly entertaining, and I feel that I can do the same when it comes to Game of Thrones.

All kinds of shit happens, but nothing really changes: B+

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Nothing of note (at least as far as plot progression that is) has happened since Ned Stark’s head rolled at the end of season 1. Is Theon’s dad Balon actually Ted Nugent? If not, then for which sweet 80’s hair band did he play bass? Balon, who would presumably have wanted revenge for the castration of his son, Theon, dies in the most ridiculously Game of Thrones way imaginable as he is thrown from the bridge that connects his throne room to his bed. This plunge is so obviously foreshadowed by the ridiculously broken suspension bridge, but the best part is that another house is apparently divided and a brother (you guessed it) kills his brother by tossing him. Cool violent death signifying NOTHING i.e. I have no idea how this show ends, but I do know that the Greyjoys are the Milwaukee Brewers of Westeros meaning that they have nothing to do with the end. Still, Balon’s death was amazing. Take a look:

 

Violence, violence is the only thing that makes any sense: A+

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The giant from the Wildling clan making the Knight’s Watch Sniper into a glorified Wiffleball bat or…

…The Mountain smashing the peasant’s head into the wall? Who ya got?

The Mountain Smashes the Head of a Pissing Man

Me, I’ve always been partial to The Mountain, and the effect of that little turd thing falling off of the wall after the head is smashed earns my vote. The giant, had he been in any other episode, would have had the best kill because of the sweet trail the sniper left after he was killed and thrown. I could see a sweet spinoff involving the giant, and I don’t think that is too ridiculous an idea.

Unintentional Comedy: A+

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Hodor is Willis and we the viewers never understand what he is talkin(g) (a)bout? Could this be more perfect? Only if Todd Bridges played Hodor I guess.

 

Hooters and Bum Cheeks: F

See picture…

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They’ve taken Melisandre and her noteworthy (at least) boobs…(sigh)

I mean she’s 500 but..?

Is this why I don’t have a shaving mirror in the shower?

 

Some clue as to how this story ends: C

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The only clue we have ever gotten about how this show might end came in the very first scene of the very first season and at the end of last season when we saw the “White Walkers” smoke an entire village. If the “White Walkers” are important enough to feature in the first scene then you can bet that they are important to the ending. This week’s offerings and their ability to foreshadow the ending:

John Snow Rises: Way cool, but the only thing this scene tells us is that there will be a clash between Snow’s army and Ramses Bolton.

Ramses Bolton Kills His Family: We saw this coming and it foreshadows a clash with the Knight’s Watch that may actually make the wall vaulnerable.

Balon Greyjoy’s Awesome Plunge: nope

Episode(s) Rating: B+

Classic GoT episode here with violence and treason signifying nothing. The dwarf freed the dragons? The dragons may smoke the Dothraki, but Mereen no longer has a navy, so how do they invade Westeros? When Game of Thrones actually does give us a hint about the ending of the show, it will be something spectacular indeed.

 

 

 

 

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